I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
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ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
“Cows kill more people than sharks.”
“I’m surprised cows kill any sharks at all.”
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..