I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
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Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
#NeverForget
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
this independent good boy don’t need no human
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled