Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Countries whose names are lies:

• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom

A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.

I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.

– That Spiderman actor just asked if he could borrow a strand of metal to tie a honey-making insect’s coffee cup to the back of his car.
– Tow bee mug wire?
– No, Tom Holland.

Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.

me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this

waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?

Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”

You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.

My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.

Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”

How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips

Breaking news:

tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it

so yeah, i’m adorable

Joined a street protest.

Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.

3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon

When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.

I know that now.

[god creating hotdogs]

inflate that worm

okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?

“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.

I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.

I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?

Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.

When your man makes a valid point

Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.

good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler

HR: We need to see you for a moment

Me: Is this about the nail clipping?

He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails

[First date]

Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*

Oh yeh? Explain this then

everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.

JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees

“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?

My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.