Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”

Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”

Me: “I’ll be right back.”

I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside

I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.

*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle

I was really excited to see the Wicked movie until it got shoved down my throat in product placements. Now I just want to drop a house on the marketing director. And steal their shoes

I get it dogs, I wish I could yell at strangers approaching my house too

[party city]

employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?

me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome

I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.

An Asian guy named Glenn?

Please

I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.

[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar

Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people

Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*

Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*

Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*

what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie

My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?

Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either

“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island

inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job

Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.

Me: Thanks. I do yoga.

Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading

Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew

In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.

“This Tweet has been deleted.”

A thread 🧵

Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?

God: Yes

Raccoon: Comical?

God: *chuckles* Yes

Raccoon: Would make a great pet?

God: Oh my yes

Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!

God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda

Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.

This Thanksgiving my 27 year old liberal nephew will be fighting my 58 year old conservative uncle at the dinner table in case Netflix wants to film that too

The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…

I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.

My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.