I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
You Might Also Like
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
I think the cat got the dog high.
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.