I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
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[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
It’s fitting to watch a Mike Tyson fight with the picture clarity of an 80’s TV.
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
4 calling birds sounds like a nightmare, I don’t want phone calls from 1 bird, much less 4.
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
kinda wild that i pay tons of money in taxes for bombs each year and have no bombs