I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
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*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
thoughts and prayers for my teen who just said she’s sick of asking me to do something
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.