I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
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I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
weaknesses
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
There’s something so spiritual about new life. When I look my baby nephew in the eyes I can’t stop thinking about how amazing it will be to connect with him on LinkedIn.
babysitting a pair of twin babies rn and feeding them saying “here comes the airplane” idk just feels weird
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.