I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
You Might Also Like
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
sailors wish they could swear like me
calling in to work dehydrated
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
inside you are two wolves
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
Telling my uncle about my boy problems and he’s literally covering his mouth in disbelief… yeah girl it’s bad
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
My neighbor complained that he couldn’t afford his water bill. So I got him a get well soon card.
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
Yes
