I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
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Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
Nothing worse than when I turn up to Park Run to find it is indeed going ahead
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country