I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
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My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”