I just opened an Easy Bake Oven restaurant.

Please call your order in, 17 hours prior to your arrival.

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[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week


Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne


once someone was like “millennials don’t answer a door if they aren’t expecting anyone???” and i get why the 70s had so many serial killers


My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.


Doctor: Looks like you’re pregnant.

Me: I’m pregnant?

Doctor: No it just looks like you are.


Son, that bear is more afraid of you than you are of … oh wow, that bear is being really brave right now.


Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?


Today seems like the perfect day to make important life altering decisions!

– Me, when I’ve gone two days without sleep