OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
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Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.