@iAmDelFreaky

I just opened an Easy Bake Oven restaurant.

Please call your order in, 17 hours prior to your arrival.

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@camelSWAG69

[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week

@alldrolledup

Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne

@Abid_ism

once someone was like “millennials don’t answer a door if they aren’t expecting anyone???” and i get why the 70s had so many serial killers

@skittle624

My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.

@_Heather82

Doctor: Looks like you’re pregnant.

Me: I’m pregnant?

Doctor: No it just looks like you are.

@briangaar

Son, that bear is more afraid of you than you are of … oh wow, that bear is being really brave right now.

@robdelaney

Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?

@MischievousJam

Today seems like the perfect day to make important life altering decisions!

– Me, when I’ve gone two days without sleep