I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
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Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
So now I’m told that when cats bring in dead mice, they aren’t “trophies”, but a critique on your own ability to hunt and feed yourself. Which is a bit rich from an an animal that gives it the big leg rub when it fancies a pouch of salmon & herring, the grifting whiskery pricks.
You look like you would fail a DNA test
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.