I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
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Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
I want a president who promises no jobs. I don’t want to have a job
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
choose your gary
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
Ah, 50s…you just keep on giving.
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.