@NurseMurderer

I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.

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@AmericanGent69

{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok

@chrellsangel

Salvador Dali’s body was once exhumed because of a paternity suit. I didn’t know they made those, but if it was so important, they shouldn’t have buried him in it.

@AnkCoupleTO

Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*

@MichaelaOkla

Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”

@ieatanddrink

Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”

@NewDadNotes

Daughter: dada what are you watching?

Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.

Son: what’s it about?

Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.

[later]

Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?

Me: no idea lol.

@BoomBoomBetty

Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.

@hell_homer

btw I learned this tonight: DO NOT image search “scrotum” because people only post pictures using a medical name if there’s something wrong

@TheMichaelRock

You’ve made a powerful enemy, vending machine holding my candy bar hostage.

@LoveNLunchmeat

Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.