I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
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I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut