Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
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Salvador Dali’s body was once exhumed because of a paternity suit. I didn’t know they made those, but if it was so important, they shouldn’t have buried him in it.
Her: I’m pregnant
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
btw I learned this tonight: DO NOT image search “scrotum” because people only post pictures using a medical name if there’s something wrong
You’ve made a powerful enemy, vending machine holding my candy bar hostage.
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.