Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mine in this week’s New Yorker

“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to

The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.

The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG

Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.

“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”

I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.

You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.

I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”

When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.

Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.

That’s because they’re coughy filters.

MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.

MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.

Me: Any Costco requests?

Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.

pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet

May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.

In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.

Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”

When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.

i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad

[dentist]

receptionist: with copay that will be $15

me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of

The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.

“You make your own luck!”

– Lucky People

Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™

I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.

Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.

Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.

Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.