Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.

[slips the bus driver £20]

“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”

[any baby is born]

society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds

Who called it girl math and not galgebra?

Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?

Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.

I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.

I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.

*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers

*watches slowest jousting match ever

ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you

LION: I just have one of those familiar faces

ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with

The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.

I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great

The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.

Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.

I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations

“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”

-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.

Buy followers?

No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to

We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.

Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!

[finishing last sip of wine]

waiter: would you like another glass?

me: no just refill this one

Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never!

[in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]

“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”

Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!

Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.

Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.

We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.

Disgusting if literal: Liverpool

Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.

They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!

Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?

Spiritist: not tonight love.

Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.

Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.

Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…