I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
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If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
.. do you even science?
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|