@thatdutchperson

I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.

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@Laser_Cat

[sermon]

There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!

*T-1000 shifts nervously*

@AristotlesNZ

8yo: Ghosts real?
Me: No!
4yo: I heard groaning last night
8yo: & a bed squeaking and moaning
4yo: What was that?
Me: ..
Them: ..
Me: Ghosts

@The_GetawayGirl

i started meditating and it changed my life i mean i just downloaded the app 5 minutes ago but still.

@fro_vo

[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow

@generativist

*a meeting somewhere*

“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.

“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.

“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.

@ArfMeasures

GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!

HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first

ME: You’re not really my type though

@jergarl

Wife: Do you hear that super annoying sound?

Me: No, what is it? *holds breath so I can hear better*

Wife: Oh thank God, it stopped.

@christinaloca

Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.

@thatUPSdude

Was driving with my dad the other day and he told me to get the map out of the glove box. Easy there Indiana Jones, I will just google it.

@briangaar

“Hey buddy, what’s up?!!” — short honk
“I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE” — long honk