Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.

This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021

Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.

I deal with my problems in the order they were received.

Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.

“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”

not going to work.

Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?

My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.

He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground

I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end

middle school in the ’90s

TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.

i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police

My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat

Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.

this has to be peak English

[Police Line up]

Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off

Me:

ㅤ

Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week

[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]

Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”

Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail

[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016

FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME

If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.

ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”

DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well

ME: thanks tell my wife I love her

Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.

A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.

A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”

Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!

Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps

You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this

Her: We had our friend for dinner.

Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.

Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.