Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[after losing a rap battle]

me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts

me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel

also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti

“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”

Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.

Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!

Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swords

How about your kid?

[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?

“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”

i guess his teacher was really pissed

ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?

Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.

I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate

Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.

Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.

[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF

I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones

Is Dutch some sort of clown language

If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.

scarecrow: i need a brain!

tin man: i need a heart!

me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item

dorothy: again, he’s not with us

Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs

[SCIENCE FAIR]

ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.

PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.

OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.

Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering

So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.

I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.

Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.

If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator

That took me a moment.

Felony is a beautiful name for a girl

My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.

22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”

29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”

[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick

I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?

I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought