I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
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Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
Accurate
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.