i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
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I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
My bf said he was sick of my jokes about ghosts having sex with owls.
Well, boo-fucking-hoo.
My wife and I are both keen runners, in fact we met when running a marathon. What we don’t tell people is we met when we were both in the bushes doing emergency poos.
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
Lassie, get help!
Stranger: “Excuse me, is this train we’re on going to
?” You: “Yes, it is…”
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it“…at least I hope so!!”
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
archers in movies and tv shows are too good. I’m watching the Olympics right now and these are the worst archers ever to appear on my television
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
😂😂
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one