Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.

what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off

*Cleans house*

*looks at family*

“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”

I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.

The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.

If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave

My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party

She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered

I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.

McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.

Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.

Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online

Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic

I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.

Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”

[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]

Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!

I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.

Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.

17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.

cashier: paper or plastic

me: it’s a debit card

cashier: no for your milk

me: oh haha liquid’s fine

“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”

Everyone is entitled to a couple conspiracy theories, but is safe to say Elvis is probably dead by now?

I haven’t seen Criss Angel in awhile …. I have to say this is by far his best magic trick ever.

me: dinosaurs can’t jump

her: how do u know

me: they’re dead Linda

The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!

Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.

Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.

I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.

[Putting on a fitted sheet]

Me: Dammit this is the short side.

Me: This is somehow also the short side.

Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.