i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
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I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Boeing astronauts racking up that sweet overtime.
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
it takes so much energy
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”