Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Top 5 forms of torture

5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro

I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!

Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away

I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..

I think the most financially irresponsible thing I’ve done is get my kids to like sushi.

Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!

Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…

To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.

ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog

If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.

Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?

Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.

Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?

I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight

How times have changed.

tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup

When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”

REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!

[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote

oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“

I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.

CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine

May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*

[applies for name change]

June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*

[leaves the country]

even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults

That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.

let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard

My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run

7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead

Stop me if you’ve heard this already.

-said no kid ever

Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing

[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*