I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
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[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
I have never related to a cat more
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
sugar glider wrangler
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
[leans into restaurant] hey do you guys serve chicken
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door open for my bird friend] perfect
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”