I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
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It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
Ghost costume 😂
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.