I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
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publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
when i said i wanted to be held, i didn’t mean accountable.
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
Broke my work phone. I can’t talk on it anymore. I should have done this a long time ago
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
Wife is out of town, so I’ve got the whole bed to myself. Time to sprawl out like a starfish and enjoy every inch*
*I slept in my usual two-foot sliver
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
I wish I could say it was the first time I’ve hidden in a dumpster.
May or may not have just made a move on my best friend of a year by saying “what’s a little bouncing on it between friends” and I may or may not now be responsible for planning a date
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.