Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.

Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!

I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.

Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?

coworker: you should try my therapist.

me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.

I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.

I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming

I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.

You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real

Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.

[holding a baby]

me: uh so how long have you been a baby?

I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.

Me: *nods in agreement

Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about

God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT

Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup

Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.

FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.

my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68f

me: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?

[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi

Having a bad vocabulary is very bad

WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?

ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ

Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.

*puts on headphones

*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”

*downs energy drink

*laces up Nikes

*runs out into 13° weather

*runs back inside

*Naps

you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that

me: I should go to sleep

my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.

my heart: everyone is mad at you.

my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!

Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”

[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*

[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.

I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??

my astrological sign is a french fry