Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.

i slept so well last night

guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that

WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children

ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you

[Interview]

Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!

Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.

When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide

Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?

Me: I want you.

Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?

I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.

Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.

Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!

-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀

*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*

Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?

Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?

“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.

UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?

Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips

OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?

Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.

Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.

Peter: *harpoons a guy*

Jesus: Too literal, bro.

It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.

Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.

My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic

I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them

If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora

My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step

[packing for holiday]

WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase

ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen

If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.

There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.

I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast

Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!

Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.

-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.

Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink

Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.