I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
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I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
Huge, if true.
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
(Gaming support cat.)
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
[hearing a colleague using their mouse’s scroll wheel] well check out Johnny Longdocument over here