I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
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It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
they finally got him. they got macavity
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
Body: it’s sleepy time.
Brain: it’s thinky time.
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
The Burt Reynolds in me says go for it, but the Wile E. Coyote in me knows how it’ll end.
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?