I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
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Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
remember
only for emergencies
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
My Plans 2020
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.