i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
The median voter
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
Which knight can find anything?
Sir Chengine.
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
Please be aware that excessive smoke from your barbecue may cause your neighbour to throw snails into your garden every night for the next six months.
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
RT if you could go either way.
