Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
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My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.