“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
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You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
Happy Febuary everyone!
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later: