Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[interview to be a valet]

me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker

interviewer: you’re hired

tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers

[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.

[on my way back to the posting caves]

Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”

So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.

Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.

If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.

I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.

I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need

Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’

Hubby : It’s a scarf!

😂😂

Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough

ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.

I have 2 words for you:

Waffle.
Pants.

Also, I may be high from paint fumes.

I’m no good at the pole vault either.

*me flirting

why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?

My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.

If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.

you should get a pension for having to go to school for 12 years

so much oil in my hair rn america’s plotting an invasion

please be safe all; there’s a guy on here telling girls he has a hot tub but it’s just a normal bathtub filled with hot water

Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around

My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.

The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow

[playing checkers]

him: king me

me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate

Door goes
Him: hello love is your mam or dad home?
Me: eh?
Them: I’m just going round the doors talking to people about the local election
Me: …
Him: are they in?
Me: nah sorry they’re not
*as I close the door* cos I’m 35 and they don’t live here

A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up

Not gonna lie it felt good

Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents