Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood

me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs

boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right

My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.

You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.

someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.

Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.

It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.

If you don’t hear from me again, they won.

50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.

Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators

The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.

“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE

I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.

“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft

If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.

I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.

Negotiator: I need proof of life.

Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.

Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?

Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.

Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful

It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.

When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.

As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else

I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud

Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale

The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.

“Life Hacks” by Lizzie Borden is my favorite self help book.

[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister

*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.

*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.

flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!

her: i’m a doctor

my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you

me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-

my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor

*puts finger over your lips*

Shhhhhhhhhhhhh

*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*

I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine

Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos

[restaurant]

date: this chicken is a little dry

me: I think my burger‘s undercooked

waiter: how is everything

me: it’s great

date: so good