I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
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We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.