I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
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sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
Science memes
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
Similar to how tennis has different surfaces, swimming should have different liquids i. e. 50m chowder, 100m Greek yoghurt, relay spf 50 sun block
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”