MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
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It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.