I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
You Might Also Like
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you鈥檝e got enough blankets on you? I can鈥檛 even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I鈥檓 just talking to a pile of blankets, aren鈥檛 I?
Pile of blankets: …
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he鈥檚 in the kitchen, he鈥檚 burning a brisket
I鈥檇 like to rescind my Christmas wishes to my sister-in-law, Jessica, who got my kids a 100 peice indoor fake snowball fight kit.
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won鈥檛 know you started without them
One of my students told me she鈥檚 going to be a tooth fairy when she鈥檚 older. I didn鈥檛 even know that was an option!
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
鉂わ笍馃
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
Axl Rose: welcome to the jungle
The jungle: please stop bringing people here
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I鈥檒l be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
That took me a moment.
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
HER: it鈥檚 pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescaf茅 just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
Jacob Marley: Tonight you鈥檒l be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it鈥檚 2017 there is no future.
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’