Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”

– Hannibal Labradoodle

My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.

[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on

Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.

Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.

Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”

Twitter: lol, you said “came”.

I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.

Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang

Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.

My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.

If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.

I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me

It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.

I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.

Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol

~App developers probably

[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]

[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”

*me in a horror movie*

me: a knife? HA

killer: [pauses confused]

me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA

k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]

Woman: Does Viagra work?

Pharmacist: Yes

Woman: Can you get it over the counter?

Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!

Hm.
No kidding?
HUH.
Really?
Wow, I did not know that.

– me, reading my daughter’s Driver’s Ed textbook

I want to know about the Oreo incident…

I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake

Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.

He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.

Dr: do you eat healthy?

Me: of course I eat the quinoas, the kales

Dr:

Me: the hummuses

Dr: I’m gonna put no

Me: ok

professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-

me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it

professor: okay there is one stupid question

Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business

If you live in Tampa, evacuate. Your life is in danger.

If you live on Earth, evacuate. Your life is in danger.

#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!