If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
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When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.