I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
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Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
What happened to the metaverse? Are people still stuck in there? How can I help?
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
that colleague who touches your screen
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
I have to find a way to get in on one of those government programs where they spend $1.7 billion dollars and wind up planting like 7 trees