I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
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My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
*me almost finished with a chore*
Husband: Here, let me do that.
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
I came this close!!!!
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
The cool thing about ignoring a notification is being surprised to see it over and over again