Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: You guys wanna play house?

Them: Sure

Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.

dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh

Pringles

Happy 3 year anniversary to the time that I was standing in front of the castle in Magic Kingdom and I got the call from my gyno that I had chlamydia and had to go pick up my meds from the DISNEY PHARMACY and my mom called it the “clappiest place on earth”

I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.

Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.

Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.

SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?

“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”

ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share

*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO

If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question

This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.

Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?

haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?

My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.

“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.

ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!

MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.

“You’re sure that’s the right word?”

“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”

“Print it.”

Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you

If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.

How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”

[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man

I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.

Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?

DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all

DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad

When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.

Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.

iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same

Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.

“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”

The first five days after the weekend are the worst.