Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.

Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.

“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis

[every morning]

Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.

Family Celebrity

Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?

Me: I found the place

Owner: So?

Me: Finders keepers

Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn

My daughter sat beside me on the bed with a granola bar, so I’m gonna get back at her by eating powdered donuts in hers.

I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave

6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??

Me: copies of what?

6 year old: money

– kidsplaining counterfeiting

After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!

“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.

I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.

~me, every time my alarm goes off

Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you

You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.

Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy

Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?

I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.

I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”

[on phone]

ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?

HER: We broke up. I told you last night

ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?

The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.

It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.

Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!

Date: You seem close to your mom

Me: I am

Mom: It is a small table for 3

Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood

Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*

I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.

An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.

Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.

I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.

I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.

[solar eclipse]

SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me

MOON: Hold my beer