Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.

When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.

Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!

Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.

OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.

You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic

Surely these children should be in bed by now?

– me, anytime after 4pm

My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.

8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]

me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?

8: I don’t care

me: hm ok

Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.

*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?

My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.

Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.

I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.

(Husband asks to see my phone)

Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.

sigh

[job interview]

BOSS: biggest weakness?

ME: I never know when to quit

BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired

ME: I quit

Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella

*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse

Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.

And also my car door.

Never make a promise you can’t keep rescheduling.

I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.

Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?

Me: I follow my heart…

I love The Wizard of Oz but all of Dorothy’s problems would have been prevented if she just kept Toto on a leash

I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.

INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich

Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.

I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.

banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball

I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.

You’re not meant to sit on them.

Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria

*tourists taking photos*

Me: Any questions? Yes. You there

Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room