I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
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Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently