My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
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When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
This is the coolest video you will see today.
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”