Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.

I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.

10 signs that he’s just not that into you

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.

[cat mom giving birth]

Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*

Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”

The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.

I got shitfaced at a wedding and found some pills in a baggie in my jacket pocket. Took one, woke up the next morning; my dear reader I had swallowed a spare button.

Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀

Glen Powell is short for Gleneth Powelltrow

No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.

Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.

To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.

What did u do last night?

Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey

Don’t u mean sorrows?

Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?

I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck

Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”

This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.

I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees

Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen

the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes

Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.

My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.

Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.

My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh

In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.

*downloading the new earthquake warning app*

*setting to vibrate mode*

Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch

If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing

She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.