Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.

Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds

me: more teeth

dentist: what

me: *recording video* no skimping now

Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult

This kid is going places

The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone

Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:

1) Breakfast

2) Breakfurious

When you try jalapeños for the first time

Pig Latin is the most delicious of the dead languages

yes yes a thousand times yes!

If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.

*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*

‘Sup

I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over

Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.

I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.

Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.

I faked a smile and gave him a bite.

Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.

I have no wife.

If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.

Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.

I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.

There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.

mom: you’re grounded

me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me

[20 years later]

amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm

Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.

*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*

She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1

i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it

The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.

[sitting in van]

Robber 1: Ready?

Robber 2: Let’s do this!

Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?

*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”

[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up

I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.

*glamorously folds laundry

*seductively wipes off countertops

*slowly bends over to pick up toys

*sexily trips over the cat…