I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
You Might Also Like
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
is she “spiritual” or does she just really like rocks?
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
nude beaches are out, nude libraries are in
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for