Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[murder scene]

DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.

my first dose meeting my second

My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast

[Next morning, after I make pancakes]

My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal

Still laughing at this stupid meme

Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?

Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.

Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology

Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?

My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.

I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving

[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops

She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.

You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.

I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.

reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping

There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.

Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home

i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this

You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water

Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium

Me: 0mg

I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.

Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.

I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.

[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family

This is not me but this is me

Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.

Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.

you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea