I just post them. I don’t explain them.
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ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
Rich people don’t understand cereal
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
Nobody ever talks about how Sodom and Gomorrah were walkable cities
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.