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son: she literally knows nothing
me: not literally, figuratively. If it were literally she wouldn’t be able to function
son: you are literally the most annoying dad in the world
me: now you’re getting the hang of it
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
Remember to not aim fireworks at anyone unless it’s that person who keeps microwaving fish at the office
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
Ghosts can’t cut or color their hair; hence they’re supernatural
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
I’m a strong independent woman, but like, against my will.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs