I just post them. I don’t explain them.
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I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
