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Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
When I tell my husband I have to go to the bathroom, he’s all like, I don’t need to know that, but bring home a new pet and he’s suddenly like, we need to work on your communication skills
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
[20 minutes after it stops raining]
ME: *turns off windshield wipers*
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf