Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.

She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.

nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what

HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK

HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK

HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK

HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK

HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES

HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING

OHHHHHHHH

“You’re acting weird.”

First of all, I’m not acting

Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single

My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…

deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason

[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea

Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.

I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool

the hottest people have the worst stomach problems

[first day as assassin]
mob boss: we need you to take care of someone
me: *spends next 25 years feeding & clothing a chap called dutch tony*

people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed

“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”

People that don’t know how cake
works.

requesting PTO at work is so embarrassing. “hi boss permission to enjoy my life for 3 days?”

My mom gave me a coffee mug that says “Be your own kind of beautiful” and I’m really trying not to read too much into that

Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more

Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows

Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from women

Post-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon

6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?

An owl showing some catlike behavior.

me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless

my brains: buy stuff

me: no listen i need a purpose

brain: a purchase?

I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.

I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.

Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.

I never knew an entire box of cereal was a serving size until I had a teenage son.

The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.

I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.

stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.