Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball

Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.

I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.

“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”

She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.

Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.

[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”

ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you

[in bed]

Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…

Me: *removes ear plugs*

*removes sleeping mask*

*removes snoring strip*

*removes mouth guard*

Hey…

Husband: *sleeping*

Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C

When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere

When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by

Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.

canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism

[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”

[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?

[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”

Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.

[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law

Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.

me as a parent

Me: Where’s Ken?

3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.

I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.

Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busy

Friend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE

ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast

*speed dating bell rings

Me: Why are you breaking up with me?

Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.

Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.

“I just called to say I love you.”

-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work

Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.

Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.

A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away

make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.