I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
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‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
You were the one.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
If giants aren’t real then explain the 12 foot skeletons at Home Depot
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
I know this now 😂
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*