I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
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How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
the only bumper sticker ill allow
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the lightsaber at home tomorrow
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
The evening news…
Where they begin with “Good evening,” and then proceed to tell you why it is not.
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
It’s beginning to look a lot like “everyone’s manners and driving skills have disappeared” time of year again
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only