I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
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Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.