“barack please don’t leave me with them”
“joe you’re leaving when I leave”
“oh right lmao love u”
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
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When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
Josh: [after he spills root beer on the TV and ruins it] I drink root beer. You don’t see me explodin’!
[guy who’s about to invent the cauldron]
*holding a saucepan* i wish this was spooky
wash our hands
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
This kid will have a bright future.
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?