@FO_ASchatz

I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.

I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.

- @FO_ASchatz

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@Jay_FrickinLynn

Jesus: Give them fingernails in case they start itching.

God: Alright, but wouldn’t it be funny if they couldn’t reach their backs?

@JohnLyonTweets

Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.

Me: Well this is awkward.

@LackOfShame

I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.

@brunopieroni

“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.

@NrouteHQ

Customer service: how can I help you?

Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh

@OctopusCaveman

[Audition for the musical Cats]

Director: Act like a cat for me

Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you

Director: Perfect

@gobmentcheese

You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.

@iamburtjarvis

[moving her panties to the side]

HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.

@LeiaMarieG

My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.

@c_always_wright

high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”