@FO_ASchatz

I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.

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@WORIDSTARHIPH0P

“barack please don’t leave me with them”
“joe you’re leaving when I leave”
“oh right lmao love u”

@GreenishDuck

When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.

@DrakeJoshQuotez

Josh: [after he spills root beer on the TV and ruins it] I drink root beer. You don’t see me explodin’!

@existential_d

[guy who’s about to invent the cauldron]

*holding a saucepan* i wish this was spooky

@NJGov

┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔

@FatherWithTwins

I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.

@TheGrimKing

Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.

@JosesLovesYou

Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”

@ArfMeasures

ME: We’re all out of beef

CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken

ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?