@Jay_FrickinLynn Jesus: Give them fingernails in case they start itching.
God: Alright, but wouldn’t it be funny if they couldn’t reach their backs?
@FO_ASchatz I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
- @FO_ASchatz
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@Jay_FrickinLynn 
@JohnLyonTweets Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
@LackOfShame I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
@brunopieroni “Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
@NrouteHQ Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
@OctopusCaveman [Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
@gobmentcheese You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
@iamburtjarvis [moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
@LeiaMarieG My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
@c_always_wright high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”