Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad

“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”

-no girl ever

Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…

… free of charge.

I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.

Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.

Note to self:

When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”

They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.

The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky

How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple

DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]

DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?

DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]

My enemy threatened to send one armed man after me, but I’m not worried

I have two arms and should easily overpower him

him: i will see you in court!!!

me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.

“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”

~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.

Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.

All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.

I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards

DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S

Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it

Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets

eating beef jerky and thinking that cow probably shoulda drank more water

I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.

One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.

My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back

You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.

I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.

Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat

H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.

M: okay

H: That’s it, okay?

M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.

H: What?

M: What?

Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.

Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.

I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching

*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.