Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Best sidewalk sandwich board ad I’ve ever seen.

I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.

10: will be a teacher

5: a doctor

3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.

I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.

if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”

First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.

Women: You didn’t need that rule.

There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.

Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?

5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.

Me:

I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.

I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.

Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”

Him:

Me:

Him:

Me: Roarrrr… get it?

Find everything OK, sir?

Everything except happiness!

You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!

We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined

I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.

Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier

Trying to imagine being the first swimming pool designer to hear a client say “Yes. Like a kidney. Exactly.”

Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying

Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.

Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”

No good deed goes unposted on social media.

i know that the frontal lobe is not developed before age 25 because i got married when i was 24 and decided to get my first ever spray tan spontaneously on the day of my wedding.

At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?

I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.

I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”

No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.

sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild

what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.

Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…

Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.

Two mallards keep pooing in my garden, and it looks like an explosion at a piccalilli factory, so I’ve called them Simon & Garfunkel.

Yellow duck mess, my old friend.

Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME

So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.

*In the elevator*

Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?

Me: No. We’re just friends

Guy: ….

8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.

me: oh wow ok…

8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.

me: nice, what about me?

8yo: you get eaten.