I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
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ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
I purposely overcook my holiday turkeys so I don’t have to hear anyone at the table say, “moist.”
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
Important
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
Such a cozy feeling to learn the reason your kid can’t sleep is because they hear whispers in their room.
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
Encore…
being too stressed isn’t good for the baby.
i’m not pregnant though, its just that i’m the baby
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
Hamburger Hinderer.
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.