I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
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I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
let’s discuss
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
I wish my 3yo ate dinner as well as he eats toothpaste
You can pirate a romance film but you can’t romance a pirate film. I ruined my copy of Hook that way.
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
Building contractors don’t want your help, Annie, even when you offer them your Altoids tin full of brads.
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.