I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
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“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
I think the 2 yr old is ready to watch Texas Chainsaw Massacre
big day for dogs who love to absolutely lose their shit when the doorbell rings
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
took my kids to the trampoline park and within minutes one of them was attending a stranger’s birthday party and the other one let me know that she had made an ‘enemy for life’
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.